BenjaminSte.in

My wife Arin has used the same hair conditioner for about 15 years: Herbal Essences by Clairol, and more specifically, the one with Rose Hips, Vitamin E, and Jojoba.

A couple years ago Clairol discontinued the line. They stopped making her favorite conditioner, which was crushing for her. For a while you could still find it in the store shelves, so it was okay. After that inventory got scarce, Arin took to checking dollar stores and other stores that don’t turn over inventory quickly, buying up the last few in Brooklyn. Admitting defeat, we started buying other brands of rose & jojoba scented conditioners looking for an alternative, but nothing was quite right.

Fast forward a few months and I have a great idea: I go online and start searching Ebay and Amazon stores looking for individuals with any left in stock. Turns out there are other women with the same strange conditioner fetish. I found some stay-at-home Mom’s with Ebay stores demanding up to $16 per bottle of the stuff!

So over the course of a few months last fall, I amassed a collection of thirty eight bottles of her old conditioner and stored it under my desk at work, waiting for the appropriate time to give it to her as gift.

Two weeks before Gabriel was born, I wrapped a single bottle of conditioner and gave it to my wife as a present. I explained that I had searched EVERYWHERE for it, and this was literally the only bottle I could find online. She was incredibly happy and touched.

And now here comes the brilliant part: as soon as she used half the bottle, I secretly refilled it by a single squirt!

Every single day, I refilled her conditioner bottle to between 1/3 and 1/2 full, just enough that she wouldn’t notice any change in weight.  The first week or so was exciting and I felt pretty mischievous. After that it became habit - get up in the morning, make coffee, brush my teeth, refill Arin’s conditioner.

After a month, I started wondering when she would notice. And also how she would bring it up. I mean, what could she possible say to me without sounding absolutely crazy? 

This went on for about 9 weeks, when one evening she called me into the living room: “Ben, I have to tell you the CRAZIEST thing about my conditioner!”

“OMG,” I thought. “This is it. I’m so excited.”

“Get this: I found a new line of Clairol conditioner with the EXACT SAME SCENT as my old one. It’s just marketed under a different brand! This is the happiest day of my life. I’ve started buying it in bulk and stocking up on it!”

My heart sank. This was the worst possible outcome of the entire project.

“In fact,” she continued, “this means I never have to use the bottle you gave me ever again. I can just save it forever as a memory.”

I was wrong. That was the worst possible outcome.

Sigh. I couldn’t think of any good way to salvage the plan. After much deliberation and debate, I decided to come clean with her. So I took her into the basement and showed her the remaining 35 bottles of conditioner I was hiding. She was momentarily confused, but then completely moved and I still got most of the Good Husband Points that I was due (which I subsequently spent by taking our newborn to the sports bar).